As someone who works exclusively with women, I’m keenly aware that we feel judged in pretty much every area of our lives –
-What we wear, how we parent, how clean our house is, how fit and slim we are.
There is an expectation from both genders about how a woman should behave and women often are judged from both sides. Men suffer in this climate too. Many men feel sad and frustrated when their beloved partner bemoans her ‘huge bum’ or perhaps they have daughters who are bullied at school and feel anxious and afraid.
If fear of being judged negatively is a concern for you, the first things to be aware of are:
* Most people are far too busy worrying about their own stuff to be judging you
* If they are negatively judging you, it’s not personal, they just feel more comfortable in a superior position to other people. It’s our own lack of self-esteem that makes us feel we have to be the best.
Create your own ‘soundtrack’
A great way to protect yourself from judgements getting you down is to make your own positive ‘soundtrack’. Get clear on what rocks about you and focus on that, instead of others’ judgements. When I use the term ‘soundtrack’, I’m referring to the words and pictures that you say to yourself in your mind. Here are some tips for making your soundtrack:
Make a list of all your awesome qualities – ask yourself questions like: ‘What do I like most about my body/ face?’, ‘What is my best personality trait?’ ‘What would my friends say they like best about me?’ ‘What are 3 achievements for me in the last year?’ ‘What is my personal superpower?’
Make a picture-board or scrapbook – of all the pictures of you looking gorgeous and copies of certificates you’ve earned, your payslips, a drawing you did – whatever you are proud of about you.
Make a playlist – If you like listening to music, how about putting a kick-ass music list together, with songs like ‘Shake it Off’ by Taylor Swift and ‘Beautiful’ by Christina Aguilera?
Some of the things I believe about myself are:
I am a good person, I love to support others, I like my hair and my curves, I’m a good laugh on a night out.
Seeing is believing – look at your list/ board every day. Also write something wonderful about yourself on your bedroom and bathroom mirrors in dry marker, see it and say it every day. Repeating this positive message will help your mind to accept the truth of it.
These statements can form your own rousing and positive anthem that you can whack up to 11 in your mind, any time you are feeling judged by others. The obvious benefit to you is that your self-esteem will increase and your stress-levels will drop, but the wider benefit is that when you feel less judged, you tend to judge others less in turn – because come on, admit it – sometimes, the judgers are us!
Self-compassion for a positive effect
Feeling better about ourselves allows us to feel kinder towards others and everybody benefits. The opposite is also true, the more compassion you show to others, the more you are able to feel compassion for yourself. There is scientific evidence that self-compassion has a positive effect on your body, as well as your mind, boosting your immune system and improving sleep. There many good ‘loving kindness’ meditations on YouTube you could have a go at if you’re interested in boosting your self-compassion.
So there are lots of great reasons to cheerlead yourself loud and proud. Keep at it and you might feel so good that you start doing what I call ‘ninja compliments’ – where if I like something another woman is wearing, or her hair looks great, I tell them so as I pass. It can totally make my day if I get a compliment, particularly from another woman, so it’s fun to give back. At the very least, it’s a great anti-judgement tactic – if you’ve just made someone’s day, they are not going to be thinking anything negative about you.
I love living in Trafford, it’s a wonderful and friendly community. Let’s sing our own and each others’ praises around here and let judging go hang.
My teenage daughter has this issue sorted, she can calmly extend a (talk to the…) hand and say, ‘don’t judge me’ – I wish I had the confidence to do that sometimes!
What will your soundtrack be? Grab a notebook and find out.
Want to learn more Beth Penfold, and how she can help you make positive changes in your life?
Beth Penfold is a Master Practitioner of NLP & Hypnosis, working to empower women through coaching. Making any change in your life can be challenging at times, so it’s important to have people in your life who will support you through it. You could consider coaching, a powerful process to help you get from where you are now to where you want to be and create the life you deserve’.
You can contact Beth via her One And Only You Coaching information below –
Photo credit: Tim Gouw on Unsplash.